What are panic attacks?
Panic attacks, panic disorder or also sometimes called anxiety attacks is something you might have heard of, but have you experienced it? I must admit I was quite shocked by how it felt.
The general list of panic attack symptoms are, from WEBMD.Com
- usually suddenly happening
- many believe they have a heart attack
- Chest pain
- Difficulties breathing
- Feeling dizzy, lightheaded and/or weak
- tingling hands and/or fingers
- Racing heart
- Thinking you will die
I read that people are sometimes afraid they will die during a panic attack. However, I could not really believe this. Could it bet his bad? Can’t people just tell themselves to call down and breath? Think that you will not die?
Little did I know that I was about to experience a scary panic attack myself.
My first panic-attack
I havent even been alone home so I have not had to ‘take care of children’ as they go to school, but I am not functioning at all.
Day 6: It is 11pm and Im still sitting on the couch, watching a movie. Out of nowhere, I have severe chest pain. I tried to stretch myself out, to sort of give it more space but it is not helping. My heart is pounding! My son has epilepsy and uses a night-alarm which displays his heartrate and saturation. Quick thinking: I go to his room, I pull the sensor off his toe and put it on myself. 145 heartbeats per minue. I am thinking this is all wrong!
Am I going to die?
Is this a heart attack?
Should I be calling for an ambulance?
The tears. The fear that I am now going to die. That my children will have no mother when they grow up.
I call my husband awake and tell him to film this on his phone. At least then I have ‘evidence’ to show my doctor. Evidence, that I was having a heart problem or heart disease as a 35 year old woman. Evidence, that this is not all in my head. I am happy I can proove it to her.
As we keep watching the heartrate monitor, it decreases slowly. Eventually, the pain goes away, and the heartrate calmed down. I feel congested in my chest. I try to watch some Netflix but my body seems to still be on ‘alert-mode’ and the flare ups keep coming back. The last time I checked what the time was, it was 03.30am and I was still awake. I am afraid to turn in bed, afraid to cause another ‘heart attack’.
Day 7: I call the doctor when it opens at 8 and tell my story from the previous evening. I get an appointment for in the morning and I tell her what a frightening situation I had. I showed her the clip of the attack. I was not expecting her to say: You have physical manifestation of stress, with panic attacks.
I break down in tears and thoughts. Thoughts of how weak I am. I am physically reacting to something my head cannot handle. I cant have this. I never stop. I take a pill if I have fever and go to work.
This is not something objective, something people will understand. People will think I am weak. Why cant she just come to work? Is she just wanting to stay home? There is no such thing as stress or burnout. She cant handle much, being stressed for what? These are my thoughts but I know I only apply them to myself and not to others
A friend of mine, and colleagues for that matter, have had burnouts and I have told them they are not weak. That it is OK, that the body needs to rest and recover. That they are not stupid. But these supportive statements do not apply to me.
Because I am not this person. I am strong! It cannot be that this is happening to me.
The doctor is trying to support me the best she can. This is for real. This is happening. The body is reacting physically. In order for me to calm my nerves about this actually being a heart issue, she does a quick ECG to rule it out. It is ofcourse, perfect. Just like my bloodwork. Beautiful results. No deficiencies at all.
All I am left with is this condition, caused by something psychological. I was hoping it was something I could fix with a pill.
Day 11: I am writing this post. I have googled, read and informed myself about stress, burnout and panic attacks. My days are spent in bed, and when I finally have energy to get out of bed, I am flat on the couch. I wear lazy clothes. I dont have the energy to shower as often as I shoud. I am lightheaded and I feel the body is on ‘alert’. Yesterday I almost had an attack but I managed to prevent it by concentrating on my breathing. I felt the choking pain already starting in my throat, and I had ringing, painful ears.
Could I have seen this coming? I think so. But its always easy to see it after it has already happened.
How my panic attacks behave
- I feel my throat closing and I know I say I cant breathe and I keep holding onto my throat and looking upwards as to get more oxygen.
- I start to lock on to a point of nowhere, just starting at this point. I feel my eyes fixating on it.
- I start to have tears coming down without crying
- Heartrate is racing
- Eventually I can also start crying real hard
- Sometimes I even start to mix the crying up with laughing (uncontrolled, hysteric laughing)
- I am consciously aware of what is happening and I am able to think that I need to breath deep in with my nose and out with my mouth
Tips on what to do when you feel it building up
- If there are people around you, say you might be having an attack. They might freak out if they do not know it.
- If you have a small pocket-mirror, it might help if you look at yourself in the mirror. For me it helps. Why? I believe…although it is no science, that it helps me to see what state I am in and that I can look myself in the eye. I can see my own face, and I can calm myself down.
- Use your brain and try to think: I will not die. This is an attack. I can breath. Dont let the fear take over. Breath in with the nose and out with your mouth. It is right when you are inhaling really deep!
- Use a bag to breathe in if you feel it helps
- Wait it out until its over.
Do you have panick attack stories or tips you want to share? Leave a comment or a message. You are not alone!